Faith & Infertility

Open your eyes and believe – struggling with infertility on Easter

Happy Easter, everyone! I apologize for the late post this week – it’s been busy with the holiday season! Easter has always been one of my favorite holidays. As a kid, my parents’ house was filled with smells of strawberry gelatin from the egg-shaped Jell-O jigglers (that never quite turned out egg-shaped) and distilled vinegar from the egg dye for hard-boiled eggs. My brother and I would have these extravagant designs for our Easter eggs, and in the end, they were all shades of purple or brown from trying to mix too many colors in our elaborate decorating schemes. During the early morning hours, my dad would keep watch outside our bedroom doors while the “Easter bunny” (I won’t spoil it for those believers out there) frantically hid eggs and Easter baskets outside around the house. There’s nothing quite as exciting as searching high and low for eggs and baskets on Easter morning. I’m not even ashamed to admit that I hunted for Easter eggs and baskets well into my 20s! The first, and only, Easter Erik and I spent together, we searched for eggs outside my parents’ house – Erik will deny it, but you heard it here first people!

My feelings on Easter have changed a bit the last two years, while we have been struggling to start a family. In fact, I think Easter is one of the most difficult holidays for people going through infertility struggles. Think about it – in this day and age, with the commercialization of Easter, every advertisement is a blaring reminder of babies – filled with fuzzy chicks, furry bunnies, and adorable kids – the girls in frilly dresses and the boys in cute bow ties, all in an array of pastel colors. When you go to church on Easter morning, you can hear the buzz of excitement from the children explaining where they found their Easter baskets and what was inside them. Even the Easter basket itself is filled with symbols of new life – chicks and bunnies, green grass, and eggs – there are eggs everywhere! Chocolate eggs. Plastic eggs. Hard-boiled eggs. Dyed eggs. And jelly beans – which aren’t really beans but candies meant to be shaped like eggs. Trust me, eggs are the last things I want to see or be reminded of after the last two years of doctor’s appointments, where the obsession has been on counting eggs, measuring eggs, scanning eggs…

Most importantly, let’s not forget, Easter itself is literally a celebration of life – it’s a story of the resurrection of Jesus – a work of God so incredulous that no one believed what they saw, or rather, what they did not see on Easter morning, as Jesus’ tomb lay empty. It’s the day God showed His promise was true – that those who believe will be granted eternal life. The Easter basket was intended by German tradition to be a symbol of the promise God fulfilled and is meant to celebrate life. In my love of Easter, I would argue you’re never too old to get an Easter basket. But I believe as we age, our hunt changes from a literal search for physical eggs and baskets to more of a spiritual, figurative hunt. Instead of candy or stuffed animals, we search for answers, for hope, and for peace, in relation to whatever we are facing in life at a given time. Me, personally, I’m searching for a child – an addition to my already amazing, but somewhat incomplete, family.

I remember Easter last year – my cousin, Laura, who I love dearly, announced to the family that she was “eggspecting” (did I mention she’s also very creative!) and my beautiful sister-in-law, Kristi, had the start of a baby bump where my precious niece, Violet, was growing. And I remember thinking, next year that will be me! Easter will be filled with new life and exciting beginnings! I’ll be the one finding cute ways to announce we are expanding our family! I’ll be the one looking for a cute maternity dress to wear to church Easter morning!

Well, Easter has rolled around and I’m no further in the hunt for my “Easter basket” than I was last year. I woke up early before church on Easter morning to take Reggie for a walk. It was cloudy and drizzling rain, dampening my mood even further. As I walked, I contemplated how I would face the day. And I remembered a message my friend Jared had sent me following last week’s post on faith and peace in Sometimes We Just Need a Sign– he told me that I would never find real peace until I unconditionally placed trust in God and believed in Him. He told me that Easter season was the greatest time to offer up my suffering and believe. My devotions book that morning reiterated his thoughts; it said

“I am calling you to a life of thankfulness. I have designed you to live by faith, not by sight.”

I believe I’m supposed to be a mom, just as Mary believed that Jesus was alive. I realize I can’t see when I’m supposed to be a mom any more than Mary could see Jesus’ body in the tomb on Easter morning – but does that mean it doesn’t exist? No – if anything it’s affirmation that through trust and faith, our prayers are heard and answered in God’s time. I came to this conclusion by the end of my walk, and as if to reassure me, a beautiful sunrise broke through the rain and the clouds. And if you remember my post last week, I am always looking for signs – and I took this as a beautiful sign – as if to say, where there is darkness, there can always be light. Just like for every Good Friday, there is an Easter morning.

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So it was on this early morning Easter walk that I think I found my “Easter basket,” and instead of it being empty as I had expected, it was overflowing – with hope, with peace, with love, and with LIFE – my life. And I was reminded of the beautiful gift of life throughout the day – holding my niece in church and hearing her laugh, receiving prayers from my mom, reading a card from my dad reminding me I am strong and to never give up, and the many hugs and laughs I shared with my family.

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I truly hope all of you found your Easter baskets this year and that they were filled with life…If you didn’t find what you expected to, look again. Maybe what you were meant to find isn’t actually there at all – just like the women looking for Jesus’ body on Easter morning. Maybe what you were meant to find is something you cannot see, but rather something you have to believe. For all of you out there who are waiting for something and searching for answers, trust me when I say you will not find peace until you stop looking and start believing. Easter is a celebration of life – it’s a reminder to believe in the life you have been given and the paths you are following; there is a reason for every triumph and every struggle. Open your eyes and believe – I know that you too will find there is sunshine for every dark day.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened” (Matthew 7:7-8).

2 thoughts on “Open your eyes and believe – struggling with infertility on Easter

  1. Ashley… I know you are struggling.. we all are struggling each and every day. What gets me through my day is God. Every morning I spend time reading scripture, drinking coffee, preparing myself to go to “battle” at the hospital. I have to leave my own problems at home so I can take care of my patients. I write down a part of the scripture and put it in my scrub pocket along with my pens, bandage scissors, penlight,notebook, bandaids, measuring tape, alcohol pads,etc. Throughout the day ,just feeling that piece of paper gives me strength to carry on.. when things get rough I pull the Words of God out of my pocket and read it over and over again so I might give comfort,grace and love to another human being who is struggling to Live or Die… You are not alone Ashley God is always with you… as he is with me… I also thank God for my husband Tim, your godfather, on the days when I have worked a 14 hr shift and feel empty inside…a shell..nothing left to give..from giving of myself all day long, he is always there to take care of me, wrap his arms around me and filling me back up so I can go back the next day. God does that to me also!! We are truly blessed because we know the love of our Heavenly Father, our families and our friends. God gives us Joy,Gladness and Peace. Aunt Marie

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